Lonely

Why is being a caretaker so lonely?

Work on it

When you first talk to a counselor to start therapy and they ask you what you want to work on, what do you say? Myself?

Forward

I fear, yet I go forward, knowing that if I pause or retreat, the repercussions will be greater.

Comfortable Boredom

Find your comfortable boredom to master the art, whether it be writing, drawing, speaking or whatever.

Unknown vs. Action

The strange feeling of being knocked off of your game…and not being able to recover. Can’t focus to do my job the way that I had done before. Maybe I am needing to shift my duties to fit my level of focus. I keep trying to push forward and some things I am not able to push past.

So, I have taken to the blogging platform again and tried to “blog my way out of this”, if that is a thing. I mean, I took a 5 year break from this blog. Some things that happened during that time were just too painful to write about at the time. Maybe I will be able to write about them now that some time has passed.

This thing though, my wife being diagnosed with cancer, is the toughest situation that I have faced and so far, I am not handling it very well. I expected the tears and pain. I did not expect the inability to keep my composure nor the ability to regain my focus at all. There are some projects at work that I am in charge of that I have not been able to start up again. Much of it is because I do not know of my availability and many of the people I would need to delegate to, are not reliable enough or have the time for the delegated duties. I am needing to “pivot” my involvement where it can handle either me being in person to address it OR handle it online.

I have always been a proponent of using tech to the fullest to match effectiveness while reducing costs. (I hope that you see that this is part of my way of processing through this.) Should I use Zoom (or something compatible) through their handheld devices while they are on wi-fi?

The awful point is that I have simplified it down to “do your job or lose your insurance that is taking care of your wife”, which makes it downright scary. I need to bring it up a couple of levels so that I can focus on just “this” or “that”.

So what is my takeaway from all of this? If we simplify things so that we are just doing “barebones” or just what it takes, the product is not acceptable or it is substandard. So what if your standard is excellence or producing an excellent product? Don’t shoot for perfectionism, but at least shoot; make the effort; do the activity of starting (or restarting) and get hip-deep. What are you afraid of?

Truly, you don’t know what you’re afraid of until you get going. It’s the unknown that is stifling. “Action cures fear” is true in this case.

The Honor of Being a Father

Being a father is an honor. In noun form, honor means high respect, esteem and a privilege. As a verb, it means to regard with great respect, fulfill an obligation, keep an agreement. We can take all of these definitions and wrap them together to see that being a father should involve great respect by the man for this office; knowing that there is an agreement to be kept; understanding there are obligations to be fulfilled.

Regard your position as a father as an honor. It does not mean that you have to reach a certain level of education. It does not mean that you need to do what everyone thinks you should do. It does not mean that your children should bow to you.

It does, however, mean that you need to be honorable, respectful and trustworthy. It means that you need to think ahead before you act on your impulses. It does mean that you may not get what you want because your family has needs. It does mean that you will grow and mature if you seek to make good decisions (and you should seek this).

This generation that we live in (the selfie generation) will not advance your maturity. It will advance your selfishness and immaturity. Strive to be in contact with those around you. Seek to know those who should be close to you. Encourage them to know you and seek to know them.

Years ago, it was kinda fun to complete questionnaires, trade them and see what you didn’t know about others. Every now and then, you see them on Facebook as a copy and paste thing but you usually see someone post and say “Come on, somebody else play this with me” when actually, they just want someone read theirs. People just do not realize that the relationship world is opposite of what it seems. You need to give to get, not take, take, take. No one wants to be around a taker for very long.

Zig Ziglar put it this way. “You can get what you want, if you help enough people get what they want”. Most people relate what he is saying to sales, after all, he was a famous salesman. The odd thing is that this applies to relationships too.

It takes seeking interest in a multitude of people before anyone seeks genuine interest in you. It takes helping a multitude of people before anyone seeks to genuinely help you. It takes giving a multitude before anyone seeks to give to you…before anyone seeks to. Do you see those words? Let them sink in. Before anyone seeks to.

Why did the Bible say that it was better to give than to receive? Because giving works on your heart. Taking requires no effort. To give often requires sacrifice.

So why did I go there? True fatherhood requires sacrifice. Giving and giving and giving and giving without seeing return for years…and a giver is respected, esteemed and privileged…honored. Be that father.

Becoming a Father of Men

This is a sobering time; a time that brings many feelings to the surface.  First, it is my 2^nd son’s 21^st birthday.  Second, it is the eve of my youngest son’s 18^th birthday.  That being said, it would not be complete without mentioning my oldest son’s 23^rd birthday just 8 days ago.  As you can see, March has always been a special month in our family.  It always will be.

I used to joke with everyone that “my boys’ birthdays are March 12^th, 20^th and 21^st.  My birthday is in April and we are usually broke by then”.  We managed (sometimes with a lot of help) to get through Christmas and a 2 month reprieve before a round of birthdays every year though, and still they found a way to celebrate mine too…but they were children, learning the ways to honor each other.  We didn’t always teach it well.  We weren’t always the best example.  We weren’t always together, but we still found a way to do it.

Today, though, marks a special time for me though.  Today is the last day that I am a father of children.  For tomorrow, I will be a father of men.

Now I know that age is not a sign of maturity; whether mental, physical or spiritual.  Heck, I have met 40 year old “adults” that were not as mature as my boys, but it is a milestone of time.  This milestone signifies how long they have endured this life…and each of them have endured much.  This enduring is what many have talked, addressed and sung about for ages.  This enduring is worth celebrating for our whole family.

For as we enter this new time, with little brother “pulling up the caboose”, I want each of you to hear these things from me:

1. I am proud of you.
2. I do not define you by your failures. Thank you for not defining me by mine all these years.
3. You have a lot of life ahead of you therefore aim well. If you fail, at least you will fail while learning in the right direction.
4. Despite what others may say, you will always be loved by your mom and me. Yes, feelings can sometimes make it seem different, but the principle stands that we love you unconditionally.
5. You are all men now. There is no going backwards, only forwards…go forth boldly.

I feel that it is only fitting that this ends with this passage of scripture.  It came at a time when Paul was describing Love in 1 Corinthians 13…and quite appropriately, he spoke of maturing…

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

While I will miss being a father of children, I look forward to this new adventure; this adventure as a father of men.

 

6 views to change for a more fulfilling life

This post was actually inspired by another that I felt was quite shallow.  It claimed that we need less attachments to have peace but it actually went a little too far (in my opinion) by suggesting that we should have more of a “sweep responsibility under the rug” mentality.  Of course, if you sweep too many things under the rug, a hump develops that will cause people to trip.

 

I prefer a more straight-forward approach that is meeting your issues head-on.  These are 6 areas that I believe will lead to a much fuller life; one with meaning and purpose.

 

Seeking Others’ Approval

This is somewhat true and somewhat false.  To be able to get things done in your own life, there needs to be some approval by others.  Living your life to please others is different…because it is impossible to please everyone.  But I guarantee you, if you want to ever have a happy marriage or decent career, you need to find the happy medium.  If you are so selfish and so rich that you believe that this doesn’t apply to you, have a happy empty life and stop reading this post.

 

Social Media

For the most part, social media is something that you can control.  If you do not want to see the embarrassing pictures from when you got drunk at the party last weekend, stop doing stupid shit like that and they won’t have anything to take a picture of.  And if you are using any branch of social media as your main means of communication, you need help.  Try Skype (That’s a joke).

 

Posterity

“Live in the moment” is commonly heard these days.  While there are great reasons to experience great moments, if that is what you live for, your life will be empty and you may die that way.  Better said may be to live as if it were your last day alive and care for your posterity, not so much your posterior.

 

Previous Relationships

Rather than toss your exes out on their arses like dirty laundry when you have had enough of them, maybe you should look introspectively and figure out why you end up with short term relationships, abusive people, etc.  Examine your own choices rather than tossing them in the dirty laundry bin.  Keep it up and sooner or later, the dirty laundry will have to be dealt with.

 

The Fallacy of Indecision

Indecision has played itself off as a procrastination or longer choice for making a decision.  Here is the truth.  Indecision is a decision.  It is Plan C when you only had Plan A or B.  Make a conscious decision to make a decision (even if it is the wrong one) or alleviate the phrase “I don’t know” from your daily vocabulary.

 

Dwelling on the Past

The only thing you can change about the past is how you look at it.  There are always, I repeat, ALWAYS something positive that can come from any negative event in our life.  For examples, please refer to the Not So Typical Thanksgiving List.  It really does depend on how you look at it.  I have seen people give thanks for some of the most horrific events because it led them to a new understanding of their own purpose in life. There is much healing in this.

 

While these are just short bits of wisdom that have been learned through much trial and error, each of them can be expounded upon greatly.  Of course, you don’t have to agree with all of them.  You can choose to find out for yourself…and make your own mistakes to learn from.  I prefer to attempt to “stand on the shoulders of giants” whenever I can.

The Habit of Procrastination

I am a bundle of feelings right now. I have not written in this blog for quite some time. My interests and desires have been elsewhere. Work. The worries of life. Self. Many of us either have been there or are there now.

But this has helped me to examine the motive for our actions if we have this habit. This habit, that I speak of can be explained like this. You have strayed away from something you know you need to do. You are procrastinating from doing it because you do not want the feeling of guilt about inaction. It is easier to not do it and say that you just stopped rather than deal with that feeling when you do start.

You can actually turn it backwards and look at quitting a habit or addiction like smoking (some of us can talk about this because we have faced it). Quitting smoking involves changing a character trait or modifying it. It is easier sometimes to start up again, say “I failed” and not have the struggle than to keep the struggle going. We get relief from starting up again. Yes, relief. Relief from the battle. Relief from everyone asking about our struggle. Relief from wondering what we actually can do with our hands since we are not smoking. It is easier than changing ourselves.

Turning it back around, though, what about things we are supposed to do, should do or are “expected” to do.

Some are simple.

Some are hard.

Simple things like writing in the blog. You know that you feel more complete and whole when you do. It allows you to “empty” your soul or rant or whatever but it is beneficial to you. If you do not type that much normally, it helps to improve this skill at least. But it takes the effort to do so.

Hard things like saying goodbye to a friend or loved one, whether they have died or just gone away for a while. Having to suffer the emotion, knowing that tears may be involved, we shy away because it is easier. It is easier because we can deal with others temporarily thinking about why we didn’t say goodbye or visit the surviving family rather than suffering through personal heartache and transparency. We would rather choose the road that is easy; the freeway; the road more traveled, so to speak.

Well, then there is this saying that I put together. It goes like this.

Restriction: I can’t do it
Procrastination: I’ll get around to it
Inspiration: I’ll do it when I feel like it
Perspiration: I will do it no matter what

Some people say “Man Up!” (or “Woman Up!”). Some say “Get some balls already!”. I say “The only way to get it done is to figure out how to do it and get after it!”. Why? Because the habit of procrastination kills. A part of you dies every time you procrastinate. I have heard so many stories of people who died shortly after retiring because they didn’t plan on what to do, had nothing to do and lost purpose. When we procrastinate, we lose purpose. In fact, it carves away at our very lives. It provides us a way to lose our lives and purpose rather than enrich them.

In previous writings, we have looked at failure and the circumstances we cannot change; things that happened that are in the past or did not happen because of something we did. Those are things that cannot change.

This is something we can. We can change the way we do things. We have the ability to change how we do things. You may say “I don’t know how”. Find out how. Try something different. If you find yourself doing something that keeps you away from the purpose that you desire to do, look at what you did that led you to doing that (this is common for computer troubleshooters). Examine what you did previous to the action that happened and do something different. Do something that you see leading yourself towards a better result.

You can change the way you do things…but you can’t and won’t, if you don’t.

Reconsidering Failure – Part 1

There is a time in life that does not come around very often, when the decision to let some things go is hard.  Letting some activities go are considered by some as a failure…and really, what is wrong with that?  If we do not eliminate some things in our life that do not have purpose, our lives become cluttered and purposeless because we are not making adequate use of our resources.  It all becomes a jumbled mess.

 

So how do you decide what stays and what to boot?  Many things that get voted out may actually be a desire that goes very deep but where is the purpose?  Some projects or passions are those that you want to rekindle or feel guilty about not learning them in your past, but are they a catalyst for your purpose or just something to complete to check off of the bucket list?

 

Many things in life that we have failed at, we try to go back and start again because we have issues with failure.  We cannot allow ourselves to fail for some reason.  Here is an example of something that I am eliminating:

 

For many years, I have wanted to learn how to program, learn HTML, maybe even build an app.  When I started college (again) about 6 years ago, it was my major.  I struggled with it, learned a little at a time, completed a couple of courses and actually got 4 different IT certifications.  I built a website, learned how to manipulate it a little and then, after a couple of years of inactivity, I started to brush up on what I had forgotten.  I just recently completed my degree in a completely different field of study than computer science and still I feel a sense of failure that I did not get my degree in programming.

 

As of a couple of weekends ago, after long bouts of inner struggle, I have decided to abandon further education on programming.  Why?  Because of many reasons:

1. There are many people in my life who can do it faster (and cheaper) than I could do it myself.
2. It is not my passion, although my passions are not quite refined yet for this time in my life. It is only an interest.  I can marvel at other people doing programming well.
3. I see that I am just not “wired upstairs” to learn this material at an efficient speed. I can be satisfied with having SOME of the knowledge and be happy that I am not totally ignorant of the programming process.
4. I feel that it is taking away from the passions I have, rather than contributing to them.

So back to the question:  Why is there still a sense of failure inside rather than just realignment?

Failure.

It is a word that has developed a reputation from school, business and life.

“You got an F.  You failed that class”

“The business failed.  It had to be shut down”

“His heart failed and he passed away”

When looking at the meaning of “failure”, the reputation follows it but is not the actual definition.

1. lack of success
2. when someone does not do something
3. someone/something not successful
4. when something no longer works
5. loss of quality/ability

Ummm…if you look at this list, you can probably fit each of those descriptions into events that happen in one work day.  So what is the problem with failure?  Putting things in a process, we can see that it is the reaction following that makes the resulting stigma.  When you had a lack of success one day at work, did you quit your job?  What about when you didn’t do something?  Something wasn’t successful?  When something didn’t work?  When you had a loss of quality or ability?  Did you just quit altogether?

The reaction is where the effect is either limited or exaggerated.  This is a key factor because it relates to so much in our lives.

Part 2 is developing…