It is hard describing why I have not written for some time. For a long time I had been getting up very early to have “my time” in the morning. Then…I burned out. Life got the best of me and I let it. I was not interested in the introspective thought anymore. I felt that my inspiration was gone and I started writing here and there, just for me. I needed to express myself in private…and some of it was not very nice.
I had some personal successes and failures. I also started looking at the “why” of what we do and the methods that create habits. Since much of this started because I realized that I was not going to live forever, a lot of it was because I felt that I had a lot to say and so little time to say it. I felt that if I helped one person find their way, I would feel accomplished at something.
My dad was a perfectionist to his own demise and I have inherited a lot of that criticizing nature. I expect excellence because I cannot provide it myself. It is true that what irritates us the most about other people is the embodiment of our own shortfalls. I cannot focus and I get frustrated when my child cannot focus. I lose interest and I criticize when I see things half-way done. I act reckless and I get mad when my child is “happy-go-lucky”.
Dealing with this has been difficult. My children are slowly achieving the age of adults but not the maturity. Neither did I. Yet I deal with this in different ways than I did not so long ago. I watch and am silent. I force myself to be patient and listen for their request for help. I take the unfounded criticism of many for things that I am not responsible for…and I live.
I look to help others where I can and live. I listen and share with those in need and live. I care and give to those who may not seem deserving and live. I attempt to make people smile because I believe my satisfaction from it is justified and live. I love without expecting it in return…and live.
I want to say to my parents and grandparents that I understand now…and I know that I still have much to learn. I understand why you prayed so much…because God is really the only one who will listen. There are things that only He can hear. I understand what it means when the scripture talks about “groanings that cannot be uttered”. Some things cannot be expressed with words or wails.
You were not perfect but you wanted me to be the best I could be, so you pushed. Even when I said that you were unfair and mean, you took the blame and stood firm. You had so many things taken away from you by me and yet you loved and lived. Thank you for loving and living in spite of me. I am seeking to build upon the foundation you provided…and live.